10 Mar 2014

Get them off me! - Channard Institute patient.

I can't get much worse than this.

I talk to myself. A Lot. I'm sure it is an amusing thing to see but when one is in full blown, animated conversation it can be a little embarrassing. One of the most hurtful and common manifestations of mental illness is the internal dialogue becomes pronounced, consistent and dark. Running over events or retracing conversations begins taking more of the day and rather than solutions or appreciation, the sufferer finds critique and judgement. It's starts small, just like the dialogue but soon, as in the words of Mr Reznor, becomes a downward spiral.

Internal dialogue is a constant for everyone. It's so normal most people hardly notice it. I guess that's because it tends not to be nasty. Friends are always taken for granted. My current daily routine is working very well at the moment. It begins with a ten or fifteens minute away, outside at 4:45, sipping on my coffee. My internal dialogue starts as soon as I reach the door, with art. A nice change. It's great and I almost always come to some kind of conclusion which spurs me to begin the day. It's ritual now. Every day is the same refreshing, supportive voice. When I noticed this was happening I thought it was so cool I started taking notes of the conclusions with the intention of posting them here. I doubt any of these statements will mean anything to anyone and most probably sound like rubbish but considering the alternative, constant abuse, fear and bating I hope you might see what I'm getting at. So from this week, here are my first thoughts.

-Maybe the bird should be white?

-McDonalds is yoga.

-More photos, lots more photos.

-I'm making icons, not religious or spiritual but desktop icons.

-Not too natural, not too human, no cartoons!

-I need to learn to paint granite.

-Cast it with armature already in-place.

Simple but for me small, supportive and challenging celebrations of success and inner peace, or the beginnings of it. Mr David Lynch talks about Transcendental Meditation with this analogy "An actor does not have to die to act a death scene. They only have to understand it". I subscribe to that. I don't buy the torched artist bullshit. One does not need one to have the other. In-fact the one without the other is superior and a better head-mate. One of the most interesting things for me to think about is, I believe in Chaos Magic. To a degree. I find it hard to believe we could control our lives by magic, the world and the chaos is too complex but I can't help but believe this internal dialogue is powerful beyond anyone's imagination. Of course we know of the importance of confidence and self image but I honestly believe it runs a whole lot deeper and more complex than psychologists would believe and physicists could map. I'm not sure where that leaves us when suffering from depressive disorders but I know it means being better is as important as it's always been.

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